Bored in the bedroom? Fretting over infidelity? Whatever your love dilemmas are, MM’s agony aunt Kim Reader has the answer.
This week, MM’s very own agony aunt discusses sexual desires and self-exploration with a man who thinks he might be gay after an office party encounter… but what will his fiancée think?
If you have a question for Kim, you can email us here.
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Hi MM of the heart,
I’m confused. At the office party a male colleague touched me inappropriately – he kind of lightly groped my balls – and whispered a lewd comment in my ear.
I’ve a fiancée and I made my feelings known. Despite me having a lady in my life he has since sent me a couple of suggestive texts.
I’m now intrigued and wanting the attention. Am I gay?
Curious George
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Dear Curious George,
Can I just say it is nice you are even considering this possibility and are so willing to be honest about enjoying the attention – it shows an open-mindedness that is going to be key to dealing with your confusion.
But going out on a limb and assuming you’ve had a fairly happy and sexually active relationship with the woman in your life up until now then you are not gay because you’ve fallen in love with and been able to get it up for a lady.
You may be bi…
And while it is a possibility that you are attracted to men, or at the very least this man in particular, liking the attention does not necessarily mean that is the case.
Everyone appreciates a compliment or a little bit of flirtation. It is always nice even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated. We’re insecure beings so we love having our egos stroked. It’s not as pathetic as it sounds, just natural!
Also it’s exciting isn’t it? Not to say that your life isn’t, but we do get bogged down in responsibilities and work and the daily grind so something a little bit new and, as you said, intriguing – it tickles us.
It gets you thinking and wondering ‘what if?’. It gives you that weird tingly feeling and the anticipation of when the next naughty text will come through.
That excitement is very easy to confuse with genuine emotion, but it quite often isn’t. It’s just the ‘ooh something different’ effect. Don’t be deceived.
On to a very serious point… him touching you like he did, knowing it was unwanted is not on at all! It is sexual assault and, yes, we praise the person who is brave enough to tell another ‘I want you’ but to take it that far is outrageous behaviour.
It is also incredibly disrespectful to you, no matter how much alcohol has been consumed, and you need to bear that in mind when you ask yourself these questions…
If he hadn’t touched me or started texting me would I be feeling like this? Have I ever looked at him before and felt even the slightest twinge of the love muscles? Have I ever looked at any man and wondered about sex or a relationship?
Can you imagine kissing a man? Can you imagine making love to a man? Does imagining it turn you on? Is it something purely for your fantasies or something you really actually want to act upon?
If at this stage in your life, you can 100% honestly say the answer to all those questions is ‘no’ then you’ve probably just got wrapped up in his feelings for you and all the afore-mentioned exciting stuff.
But if you answer any of them with a ‘yes’ then you’ve got some serious self-exploration to do and a chat to have with your partner.
You cannot commit to a woman ‘for as long as you both shall live’ if you are lusting after another man or woman and certainly not if you have a completely undiscovered side to your sexuality.
I’m not saying leave her, I’m not undermining your relationship or saying it is over. It is clearly very important to you for you to have reached this level of commitment.
But you do need to know whether she will be able to fulfil your desires and, of course, whether you will be able to fulfil hers forever.
Is this a fleeting flirt and a giggle or is it something you really want?
Repressing sexual urges and trying to ignore them can have awful and long-lasting effects and these will impact your life and your future wife’s if you’ve decided to share your life with her.
Do yourself, and her, a favour and find out what’s going on. Watch some gay porn, explore your body.
With the extensive range of sex toys we have access to these days in shops and online, if you’re embarrassed at all, a man can be penetrated by a woman.
It might be something you’ve never thought about before, but that could be the appeal of these suggestive messages entirely.
Why not try it out with the lady you love? It could satisfy all the curiosity without having any other consequences.
If you do realise that’s what you want, don’t hesitate in getting your partner into it with you. A happy, healthy sex life is so, so important to every relationship.
I know it might be awkward and difficult talking to your fiancée about all of this but she knows you, she loves you, she will be able to help you.
Don’t feel like you have to straight away though. Find out a little more about your feelings first and find out whether it is men, this man or aspects of gay intercourse that are sparking your intrigue.
Once you’re feeling more comfortable approach the subject.
Whatever you do, please don’t engage with this guy unless you reach a stage where you are 150% sure it is him you want.
And don’t cheat. Don’t do that to your fiancée, please. If you want him be with him but don’t let this get messy.
On the other hand all the delving into your desires might make you realise you’ve been right all along and you are straight in which case there’s no need for a ‘we have to talk’ moment at all.
You can just carry on with your life and relationship as it is for as long as it makes you happy.
Have an eventful, enlightening and most importantly lovely weekend!
Image courtesy of Numb – El Condor, with thanks.
