Bored in the bedroom? Fretting over infidelity? Whatever your love dilemmas are, MM’s agony aunt Kim Reader has the answer.
This week, MM’s very own agony aunt hears from someone who thinks her partner is too self-assured to try out anything new. How can she convince him to spice up their sex lives and escape Fifty Shades of Beige?
If you have a question for Kim, you can email us here.
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Dear Kim,
I’ve got a dilemma I need some help with. Turns out my boyfriend’s got a very, very big ego and it’s getting in the way of us spicing up our sex lives.
When we first got together, just over a year ago, he had only slept with two girls and I had shared encounters with quite a few more… guys and girls… and I know it made him quite insecure in the bedroom.
I made sure to shower him with praise and constantly tell him how good he was, because I love him and he turns me on and I wanted him to be confident even if the sex was a bit vanilla and not necessarily as kinky as I was used to.
But a year or so down the line I want some of the not-so-missionary stuff back and he will not oblige.
I haven’t asked him outright because I don’t want him to think I’m unhappy but when we’re in the heat of the moment I’ll say ‘let me watch you do this’ or ‘it would really make me hot if we did that’ and he actually has the nerve to reply ‘no I can get you off like I usually do’.
Yeah so he knows me pretty well after all this time, but how has he got so arrogant that he thinks he knows what will please me better than I do?
He’s not just arrogant, he’s wrong and it is getting to the stage where I find myself almost rolling my eyes when we start getting it on because I know every single predictable move that is coming and that I definitely will not be.
Worst of all this is my doing! Was I wrong to compliment him so much at the beginning? I wasn’t lying!
I don’t know how to deal with it. The less he’s willing to please me, the less happy I am with him in general.
Any advice would be great!
Thanks,
Kink My Ride
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Dear Kink My Ride,
I am sorry to hear about your predicament. Fifty Shades of Beige is definitely not where it’s at!
A healthy sex life that is satisfying everyone in a relationship is absolutely essential and I think every step you’ve taken so far is great.
Please, please do not beat yourself up for praising his sexual prowess at the start of your relationship.
You did what any caring partner would and you’ve tried to do him a huge favour. Confidence in the bedroom is absolutely vital and you tried to give him that.
You say you didn’t lie and I believe you. As you now know, a real emotional attachment combined with the excitement of being with someone new can be enough to see the you through sexually.
You’ve done nothing wrong!
But where I think you are wrong is in thinking it is your partner’s massive ego getting in the way. To me it sounds a lot more like massive insecurities.
We hear the term ‘spicing up our sex lives’ most often thrown around when a couple have started to get bored, not just in the bedroom, but of each other.
I’m not saying it should be that way but I think it’s fair to say that for the majority sex is man-on-top, in-out and done in time to get eight hours kip before work in the morning, vanilla.
I may be wrong, but as far as the very limited everyday conversation surrounding sex goes in our stiff-upper-lip society, people only explore the strawberry and chocolate when the sight of vanilla turns their stomachs a bit.
And then, heaven forbid they explore the mint chocolate chip or pecan with caramel swirls.
So, making the fair assumption your boyfriend is part of the majority especially with his limited prior sexual experience, imagine how he feels now you’re asking for sprinkles on your scoop of loving?
To add to the suspicion that you might have tired of his efforts in the sack, he also probably associates your desire for the finer kinks in life with your sexual exploration before settling down.
A want to introduce them into your love making now, might be interpreted by him as an actual want to go back to that prior life.
Is he wrong? It’s worth you thinking about. But let’s assume he is.
In response to the fear that you want to leave him, he’s putting on the brakes and basically saying ‘no, I won’t even let you have a taste of the raspberry and meringue medley because a taste might not be enough and then you’ll want the whole ice-cream parlour’.
It may sound mad but isn’t love? One thing is for certain, it is perfectly human, it is outrageously selfish and it needs to stop.
So it’s all-out honesty time, and not when in the throws of passion. I understand the temptation, but you’ve tried and it’s failed so just sit down for chat.
Be prepared, you’re going to crush him a little bit, because you’re going to have to tell him that while you’ve loved the sex up until now it has been lacking some of the as you say ‘not-so-missionary’ things you enjoy.
He won’t believe you’ve loved it up until now and there’s not much you can do about that other than ask him to trust you and remind him how much you still love him/are attracted to him.
Alay his fears that this is you pining for your single life and tell him that you just want to do some of the things you enjoy most with him because it is him you want to spend all your naughty nights (and mornings and noons) with.
As for asking for whatever it is that floats your boat, word it carefully. Explain that it’s about discovering each other’s sexual fantasies. And so it should be.
Ask him what he fantasises about, what porn he watches (if you don’t already know). He might find he’s really into something you do together.
Don’t pressure him into doing anything he’s uncomfortable with!!
Start off soft-core and, you never know, in time he might get more open-minded or more into it and he may even start asking you for things.
It is also really important to keep things balanced. Not all the sex needs to be whips, chains, spanking and toys from here on out. Have vanilla days.
And remember, while some like it hot, others prefer it tepid. Yes, he should want to try new things to keep you sexually satisfied, but don’t forget about his sexual satisfaction.
If he really doesn’t enjoy any of the stuff you try together then you’re not sexually compatible. It’s a worst case scenario and incredibly unlikely.
But promise me you won’t condemn yourself to a life of vanilla in the name of love if the time comes. It wouldn’t be right for anyone involved.
Another possible negative outcome is him point blank refusing to try out anything you want to do even after discussing it.
In this case, if your current eye-rolling is anything to go by I don’t think I need to tell you but, this means he has very little interest in your gratification, in which case I urge you to get out and run back to that ice-cream shop for some more flavour sampling.
I am confident this will not be the case though.
He’s clearly more than aware of his sexual inexperience and he can’t really knock kinky until he’s tried it. Also, who doesn’t like a caramel swirl every now and again?
This journey through your sexual desires will most likely be a very exciting time for you both and a real progression for you as a couple.
And you’ve got the rest of the long weekend to get started, now isn’t that the delicious whipped cream and cherry on top?
Go forth and get jiggy with it!
Image courtesy of Julian Povey with thanks.