“Any tea or red flags?” is a question which would confuse my grandmother. “What is the correlation of these two inanimate objects? Is she planning some sort of jubilee tea party?” I imagine she would think.
But for those of us across the world who are members of the ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy’ Facebook groups, this is a question we see every day as we refresh our feeds – though often in the form of emojis.
Starting in New York in 2022, the first group was set up to keep women safe on dating apps, allowing them to read all types of warnings about men before having to risk meeting them in public.
These groups, likened by some to the female bathroom at a club, became exceedingly popular and now two years later there are more than 200 groups worldwide.
I stumbled upon the Greater Manchester group, applied to join and after being seriously vetted by admin, entered the community of Greater Mancunian women sharing the most salacious gossip. I was hooked.
The group, which has 42.1k members, has strict guidelines which include no negative words or phrases about the men, no judgement and most importantly, no screenshots being sent to ‘outsiders’.
As I look at my phone right now, I see one man’s Tinder profile and without scrolling too far into the comments I’m met with accusations of revenge porn, narcissism, swinging, and one response which warranted several laughing reactions.
“It’s my best friends daughter’s sperm doner can you ask him to pay some child maintenance”, it reads, punctuated with an apt laughing emoji.
All jokes aside, for some women the AWDTSG community has been a safe haven, as online dating in a modern age can be full of anxiety.
We now have apps playing 21st-century cupid with all types of gimmicks; Hinge has been advertising itself as the app designed to be deleted, Bumble has women making the first move and Tinder has made a fortune on singles swiping.
Twenty years ago, people met at the pub, at work, or through blind dates, but this no longer seems to work – data from Ofcom shows that in 2023, one in 10 UK adults used online dating services.
Furthermore, data from a 2022 survey by the BBC showed that amongst the respondents, 33% of dating app users have experienced harassment or abuse by someone they met on dating apps, so what is the harm with women helping each other navigate the world of online dating?
The people behind the profiles
For one woman, who wished to stay anonymous, the group has become a lifeline in helping her avoid potential danger or cheaters.
“I joined the group after a friend told me about it – she said it was entertaining to scroll through but I never imagined I would be the one posting on it,” she told me.
After a few dates with a man she’d met on a dating website, Rachel* decided to post a screenshot of him on the group with the familiar line “any ☕️” followed by the man’s initials and location.
She said: “I just thought better safe than sorry, if there was anything worth hearing I would rather know now than before I fell for him.”
Rachel* woke up the next morning to comments claiming that her Prince Charming actually had a wife, toddler and another child on the way.
“Of course I was shocked, but after being in that Facebook group you realise anything is possible, I just feel so sorry for her.
“I just keep thinking what if I didn’t post in the group? I would still be seeing him and she would be none the wiser.”
Some use these groups for advice, others for entertainment, but what about the men?
Shawn Condon, 33, from Liverpool has had two encounters with these groups, with his first appearance on AWDTSG resulting in a warning for women to stay away, as he’d ‘ghosted’ one group member in 2018.
The other post occurred just a few weeks ago when, in less than 12 hours of matching with a woman on Tinder, he was posted in a Warrington area group asking for ‘tea’.
The post, which Condon believes has damaged his reputation, was deleted after he was ‘instantly’ sent screenshots by people who knew him – with even his sister seeing the post and comments.
He said: “It was damaging because everyone sees you on there.
“It shouldn’t be allowed, no one should be allowed to put my face somewhere like that.”
He argued that although he agrees with keeping women safe, public humiliation is not the answer as important information can be found through the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, known as Clare’s Law.
“That’s what Clare’s Law is for,” he said.
“If you have a problem, you do Clare’s Law and find out, it’s free.”
From the posts, Condon received jokes from his friends as they made fun of the situation – but what about those who face worse repercussions?
Speaking to UTV in 2024, one man shared how false claims about him in an AWDTSG group “traumatised” him as he had no way to defend himself.
He said: “It had a massive impact on my mental health where it got that bad, that in December I had considered taking my own life.
“I spent three weeks in a psychiatric hospital, following a suicide attempt that left me clinically dead for three minutes.”
As the popularity on these groups boom, so does the controversy, meaning it might be better to keep the gossip inside your close group chat.
